Negativity No More!

This evening is my husband’s military ball, and for those who don’t understand exactly what that it is, it’s basically an adult version of prom along with dinner and a ceremony presenting awards to soldiers for various reasons. Soldiers wear their Class A uniforms and spouses wear formal attire. I myself have managed to keep all of my old prom dresses from high school, and am lucky enough to not have to go purchase a new dress for a one night event. So what’s the point of this post? Well, here it is.

It all started yesterday, when I went to Walmart with my husband and son to pick up a new curling iron so I could curl my hair for the big night. Once we returned home, I set to curling my hair to try and figure out just what I was going to do with it for the ball. Just so everyone knows, I don’t like to spend money on things that will not last, or will not get more than one use out of them, so going to a hairdresser to spend $50 on some fancy updo was out of the question. Just like I’m painting my own fingernails for tonight, because I am too cheap to go get them done.

So as I’m in the bathroom curling away, I get to thinking. And staring. And looking in the mirror for too long. And then the curls start to fall out of my hair. And then I start tearing up. It hits me, just like a ton of bricks. While I’m standing here trying to make my hair cooperate and make myself look pretty, I get that same feeling I got when I was in high school. The “I’m not smart enough, I’m not pretty enough, I’m not skinny enough” crap that ruined most of high school.

Many of you may know my story, as it may be the same as yours. When I was younger, and in most of my adult life, I have been overweight. And when I mean overweight I mean fat. I’m not talking about five or ten vanity pounds, I’m talking at least thirty pounds overweight my whole life. So as a kid I was fat to begin with, and my eyes are rather large to put it nicely. Although they are large, they do not work as well as most people so I wore glasses up until I was in the seventh grade. When the glasses came off, the braces went on. My clothes were never what was considered cool, mainly because I was way too big to be fitting into all the cute clothes that all the other girls wore. I was in the band, which was not a big deal in our county because we were pretty good, but it didn’t help a whole lot. I am smart, but there was always someone smarter. I’m sure I’m pretty in others eyes, mainly because I have a husband and he must think I’m pretty because that’s the way it’s supposed to work, but I’ll be the first one to tell you I’m not. It’s just how I am. And to keep myself from getting depressed while writing this, because that is not the point of this post, I’m just going to leave it at this: socially awkward, no dates to homecoming or prom, and two boyfriends that were not very good to me.

But anyway, there it was, that horrible feeling of inadequacy.  And I hate that feeling; that feeling eats me alive. It ate me alive so bad last night I even contemplated calling our babysitters and telling them not to bother coming this evening because I didn’t even want to go to the ball anymore; not if I was going to “look like that”.

So as I sat on our front porch last night trying to pull myself together and avoiding my husband so he wouldn’t see I was upset about something, I informed myself that I was crazy. I’ll admit it. I’m crazy. What in the world do I care what others think of me? And usually I don’t give two flying you-know-whats about what other people think of me and my appearance. Hell, I never wear makeup when I leave the house, and I’ve been known to go to the store in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt back at home. Why? Because I don’t care. I have a husband who loves me and more than enough family who loves me for me.

So I guess in this round about and ramblin’ post, this is what I’m trying to say: my high school experience sucked. It was a few years of my life that I had to live with and get through. I am not that person anymore. I am not fat anymore. I’m not in high school anymore, and I do not have to let the negativity find me like it did last night over something as simple as hair not wanting to stay curled! So this is what I’m going to do today. I’m going to finish getting everything ready for tonight, including myself sometime this afternoon, and I’m going to go to the ball and be Cinderella for the night. I’m not going to worry what others think about me, and I’m going to concentrate on what a ball is supposed to be about. And in this case, ours is a celebration of the fact that we lost no one during this deployment. Hope you all have a great day and remember, you are beautiful!

As a side note, if you pray, pray for my safety tonight. I have a pair of three inch stilettos to wear, and I’m a strictly a flats kind of girl.